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August 21 抄来笑笑Little boy say: Daddy, I want to get married.
Father jokingly said: Whom did you have in mind? Little boy: Grandma. Father: Wait a minute, you didi not think I’d let you marry my mother, did you? Little boy: Why not? You married mine.
小男孩说：爸爸，我想结婚？
爸爸打趣地问：噢，谁是你的意中人呢？
小男孩：奶奶。
爸爸：等等，你想我会让你娶我妈么？
小男孩：为什么不呢？你不也娶了我妈妈么。 A middle age couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing… " Why don’t you do that?" said the wife. "Honey," replied her husband, "I don’t even know that woman!"
一对中年夫妇在公园散步，看到一对青年男女在长凳上热情地相吻。
“你为什么不这样做呢？”妻子说。
“亲爱的，” 从中英时报上拈来。 August 29 一只猫的生活前言：这两天，木钉情绪低落。她是一个爱猫至极的人物！她养了一窝可爱的猫，因为各种原因她必须送走几只猫 …，这使她分外难过。正好手头有这么一则有关猫的幽默小故事，何不把它翻译后贴出。如果，木钉看到的话，能稍稍释怀一笑请告诉我。如果，我的神秘的爱猫朋友看到的话，希望你能喜欢。一只猫寿终正寝去到天堂，在天堂的通道口它遇到上帝。上帝见到猫说：“在过去的这么多年里，你真是一只好猫。到了这里，你想要什么尽管说好了。”猫，想了一会儿说：“我整个生命是在农场度过的，我总是睡在农舍的硬木地板上。要是你不介意的话，我真想睡在一个真正的蓬松的枕头上。上帝说完：“那还不容易。”猫即刻就得到一个硕大的蓬松的枕头。 过了几天，六个小老鼠遭到意外事故，一起来到天堂。它们同样在天堂路口遇到上帝。上帝也象问猫一样，问六个小老鼠想要些啥。小老鼠说：“嗯，我们的一生一直在奔跑中度过。就是为了躲避猫们，狗们，甚至还有人挥舞的笤帚的追击！如果我们，每只小老鼠要都能够得到一双带轱辘的旱冰鞋穿上，我们就不用再东奔西跑了。”上帝一句话，所有的小老鼠都穿上漂亮的合脚的旱冰鞋。 过了大约一星期，上帝决定去看看猫。上帝找到猫时，猫正躺在硕大的蓬松无比的枕头上打呼睡觉呢。上帝轻轻唤醒猫说：“一切还好么？过的惯吗？你高兴吗？”那猫回答说：“哦，太好了！上帝，在过去的生活中，我从来没有这么高兴过。这枕头真是蓬松柔软，还有你用小车送来的膳食真好吃！” 注： Meals on Wheels 。我知道在加拿大的社区服务项目中有一项 Meals on Wheels：就是用车为老弱病残送餐上门。要付钱，要预定，要够资格。还是老三样：为我家学英语的孩子提供课外读物。让我自己练习小小的英译中。如果大家会意一笑我的目的算达到了。仍旧附上原汁原味的英文，提供者 Pauline。A CAT'S LIFE A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking." The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on." God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow. A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat. The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again." God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates. About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?" The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!" June 19 外国幽默不要信任又小又老的女士 有一男子，只身在超市采购物品。 他意识到有一个矮小年老女士跟随着他，他到东她到东，他到西她到西。如果他停下，这老年小女士也停下。甚至，还不断的瞟望着他。 最终老年小女士在付款处走到了男士的前面，她转身对男子说：“我希望，我的行为没有使你不舒服，就是因为你长得太像我过世的儿子了！” 男子回答：“这，没什么。” “我知道，我似乎很傻，但是如果你能在我离开这里时，高声对我说：‘妈妈，再见！’今天一天，我会很高兴的。”说完。这老年小女士继续往外走，走过付款通道。这男子果然高声跟上一句：“妈妈，再见！这老年小女士回头微笑挥手与他告别。这男子，感到很高兴！想，就因为自己开口说这么一句简单的话，能够使一个陌生人高兴，这多好呵！ 轮到这男子付款了。请付一百二十一元八角五分，收银员报价。“咦，这怎么可能呢？我才买了五样东西。”收银员说：“对呀。但是你妈妈说：她的东西由你一起付的啊。” 没有普遍意义，只图看后一笑。一如既往贴上英文版，二小小练练英翻中，三提供者英国老太Pualine。 Do not trust all little Old Ladies A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Further more，she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son." He answered, "That's okay." "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy." She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mother." The little old lady waved and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to $121.85," said the clerk. "How come so much. I only bought 5 items." The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd pay for her things, too." April 19 外国幽默MAXINE AND HER 5 NEW BOYFRIENDS (麦柯欣和她的五个男友)
I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous (轻佻的) old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day.
As soon as I wake up, Will Power (毅力）helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John . Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Art Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.
After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay
What a life!
Oh yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer
P.S.
The preacher (传道者) came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter (将来,来世). I told him, "Oh, I do it all the time. No matter where I am in the parlour (客厅), upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?"
Note--The key of this joke is that Maxine's 5 boyfriends actually mean something else: John: toilet 抽水马桶又名 我把这则外国幽默贴上除了让大家笑一笑外，更多的意思是让大家注意到西方老人的心态与东方老人的心态是多么不同 ---有幽默与没幽默！April 03 外国幽默窗帘竿 她开始打包行李。把属于自己的物品装进纸板箱和篓子里，将衣物放进箱子里；第二天，搬运公司将她的所有东西装车运走；在这第三天，她环顾这漂亮的餐室，走去放上柔和的音乐，最后一次坐在水晶吊灯照耀下的餐桌前，享受着一磅鸡尾虾蘸着鱼子酱和着一瓶莎兰妮（一种法国干白葡萄酒）自酌自饮。等她心满意足后，去到各个房间，用吃剩下的虾壳蘸着多下来的鱼子酱塞进每个窗帘竿里。然后，清洁完毕，她离开了。 她的丈夫和他的新女友在回来的最初几天里，陶醉在天赐的幸福中。渐渐地，整个屋子开始产生异味，荡漾在各个房间。他们尝试着清洁和清理各处，用拖把擦拭各式地方，用开窗来通风透气；用蒸汽清洗了地毯；室内管道被检查是否有死去的老鼠；空气清洁器悬挂在屋子各处；甚至，他们还要离开几天，让扑灭害虫的专业人士射放驱污霰弹；到了最后，他们不得不换上昂贵的新羊毛地毯。以上所做的努力均告失败，那恶臭仍飘然不去。人们不来探访了；佣人辞工离去了；修理工也拒绝再在屋子工作；最后连他们自己也无法再承受这恶臭，决定另觅居所，把房子放到市场上出卖。 一个月过去了，房价减了开价的一半也还是无人问津，原因显而易见。人们用嘴传播着此屋的故事，更有甚者房屋经纪人因丧失信心而拒绝接听他们的电话。无望中他们向银行申请巨额贷款购买新居。他的前妻适时打来电话，随意问候他的近况。他告诉前妻有关老屋发臭的故事。前妻耐心地听他叙说，并告诉他，她很怀念这所老屋，愿意调整离婚协议作为交换老屋的条件。他知道前妻无法想象她所怀念的老屋有什么样的异味在等待着她，他同意前妻付房屋所值的十分之一，但需尽快办理手续。前妻同意，在几个小时候后，他的律师送来各式文件让他签署。一个星期以后，他和女友站在门廊高兴地看着搬家公司打包搬运所有的东西到他们的新居，包括窗帘竿。 这是我的第一篇这种类型译文习作，各位中文看官看后如能会意一笑，无疑是对我的最大支持。保留原文除提供课外作业外，让各位英语看官读原文享受原汁原味。 The Curtain Rods She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay, When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed Half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of all the Curtain rods, She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the First few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything, Cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents, were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung every where. Exterminators, were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they Had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench, any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, Even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a Price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hours his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods. |
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